Hi I'm Darl, short for Darlen. Filling up my blog with random things until I can find something interesting to post. Bear with me.
That would be singing then as it turned out, I sucked at it Hahah! I still sing though but only to pass time :)
Losing my mind. Well what’s left of it.
I can just pretend I’m fine. God! I wish I’m fine. I wish I’m better at analyzing things. I wish I could foresee the outcomes of my choices or decisions or maybe just speculate about it. I wish I could’ve been smarter. I wish I could’ve been calmer. I wish I caught myself before I spiraled down. But you see, I have been all those things And yet I still chose to go down the worst way.
Sometimes I do stupid things to hide my maturity. Does that makes sense or is it just another way of saying that I am really immature and stupid? What happened was a product of my stupidity. Although I knew that all along it wasn’t the best thing to do, I convinced myself that it wasn’t all that bad. It was alright, friendship lng nman gusto ko. I blinded myself with the lies I’m making even though the truth is starring me in the face. And because of that I have hurt two people and maybe even more. I’ve been selfish.
What sucks the most is that I am even more confused now than I was before. So this incident was added to the things that hold a giant question mark in my life. Added to the dark abyss that now has become my heart.
I want to shut people out but I think there’s no need of that. I feel so alone. I don’t think I can open up to anyone. I don’t want to either. I’m ashamed. I’m missing a constant presence. And it’s driving me mad. I don’t know how to react. Although most of the time I want to cry.
Time will help fix things. In time I will move past this. I may not forget but when I’ll look back, it won’t sting as much as it does now.
#mistakes #regrets #time #hopingforanewstart
So yah I like him but that’s just it. I hope. Damn it! Why does he have to be cool? like my type of cool. And he has to be cute! Great!
I spend my day thinking of him. I wait for his text that doesn’t arrive. I am slowly losing my mind. Then I decided to stop waiting. Screw him! He’s just my friend anyway. Who am I demanding for his time? I’m nobody. So I put down my phone, log-out my Facebook and watch TV or shows on the net.
I check my phone every few minutes. A habit I inhibited over the years. My phone is like an extension of my life. A security blanket perhaps. Addicted? Probably. As you can see, or read, I do not have a life. So I checked my phone and what do I see? A frickn text message from him!
Do men have a radar in their system? Because they seem to know the right time to send a girl a bloody text message when she’s about to give up. This doesn’t happen rarely. It happens often. More often that it drives me insane! And because I act like an awestruck high school girl, I frckin reply!
His words doesn’t help either. He said things like, “That’s what I love about you! :P” Kuya pleeeeaaase! You have no idea what you’re doing to me.
I wish for it to stop. I wish for it not to stop. I enjoy his company so much that I would be glad if we can stay friends. Even if it’s just friends.
Why is it when a girl/woman is mad at someone she goes for the slap effect? Why not punch the little bastard. Kick some ass!
I really wish I am good at something. I always get jealous of other people with their God given talent. Those talents at first is just hobbies then it becomes passion and passion turns into careers and so on and so forth.
I have a friend who is kick ass at art. Like she draws a lot and its really good. She improved greatly now that she is studying up her talent.
Another friend of mine sings like an old woman. That is not an insult. It’s actually a compliment. What I meant to say is that her voice is outstanding. Exceptional really. And to top it all, she plays various instruments. And she plays good.
If I mention everyone I know who is amazing at something, I’ll get bored and jealous. It’s a jealousy that is good, I guess. This way I get to search what I really want and what I’m really good at.
It’s not as easy as other people make it sound. I want to find something I want to do, something I love to do. The problem is I just don’t know what it is yet.
I am hopelessly out of dreams right now.
I am stuck with an ever present dilemma. To drop out of school or not?
I really wanna drop out but at the same time, I don’t want to regret it when the time comes.Times are kinda hard for our family these days and I don’t want to be a burden. But due to my recent hospitalization, I already became one. My father was furious when i got out. He droned on about how i do not ‘cooperate’ around the here. That means I don’t help make things better. I don’t help in easing up the load. I got sick. I did not take care of myself well. And it hurts when he said it. It was said in a very displeasing manner so yah. It made an impact.
I always hated being sick. As a youngster, I made trips to the hospital a lot and i stay there for a long time. It cost us a great deal amount of money considering we weren’t so fortunate back then. I get hospitalize for different reasons. Reasons that we can’t take lightly. It was always something big. Pneumonia, amoeba, dengue, etc. I can say, halos hinakot ko na mga sakit dati. We were neck deep in depts.
God is always good though. We manage to get by with the help of friends and family. So going back to the hospital wasn’t on my mind last week.
My pa took care of me whilst in there. Never made a bad comment about how i take care of my body. He was my friend back there. We shared talks, well more like opinions, and I thought things was okay. Little did I know he was just saving up the rant when he saw the bills and it was time for me to leave. I don’t blame him. It’s my fault really for neglecting my health. I can’t make excuses anymore. I don’t want to either.
Midterms is this week and I still haven’t shown up for class. I missed midterms today for three subjects and I’d be missing a lot if I don’t show up tomorrow. Since I was busy getting stabbed with needles for the last few days, I haven’t had the slightest of idea what the exams gonna be about. Self-study? Might work if I have books. A little too late now huh? Did I mention I don’t have a good study habit? Yah, that could be a downer too. In other words, I AM DOOMED.
If i don’t drop out well I will continue a life of waking up early for class, traveling for at least an hour and a half to get to school, dealing with my unknown classmates, not smiling for an hour or maybe more, endure long walks to my assigned room, think about wanting to stab my teacher (the ones that are worthy of beheading) and waiting for the day to end. Sounds really fun!
Still no answer.